Wednesday, October 24, 2007

The Present Time...

I just read some verses from Romans 8, and became stuck on the words 'the sufferings of the present time.' Although I am not experiencing persecution, I am overwhelmed by our situation with our girls. It was so discouraging today to hear that Theia lost some weight, making the prospect of her getting out of the hospital today or tomorrow slim to none. I have also been continuing to experience numbness in my hands, face, and body, and have had really bad dreams and pain while sleeping. I don't really understand all that's going on with me, and part of me is really afraid that something is wrong with me, but this whole situation is so overwhelming it's hard to really embrace anything as real. I know that the spiritual battle is raging right now in my weakened state, and I am unable to really get clear on anything.

All that to say that the present time is really really hard, and I'm really wanting to check out and avoid life. I keep fluctuating to the past, wishing my life was where it was before, and the future, dreaming of a new reality that doesn't include the things that are bothering me so much. I'm not experiencing a lot of hope right now, because things seemed to have plateaued at a place that isn't bad, but still not ideal and still very taxing.

As for my relationship with God, I'm really afraid of opening up and allowing him in. I'm so afraid of being overwhelmed by opening myself up to anyone, and with God it seems like once I open up it's hard to pull it back together in a way that allows me to function in a healthy way, and not get into some destructive patterns.

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